In April of 2006 my entire world was flipped upside down after my husband was hit by an IED in Ramadi, Iraq. We were thrown into something no 20 year old should ever have to experience.

The next four years were spent in hospitals and hotel rooms. We were fighting to get his life back, and fighting to make a marriage work through pill addiction, overdose, miscarriage, family feuds,infections, amputation, ptsd, and tbi. There were amazing times that made everything worth it, and there were times I truly felt like I was in hell.

 In April of 2010 my world stopped. My husband died due to accidental overdose of his pain meds while recieving inpatient therapy for PTSD.

 I miss him. And I have guilt. And I hurt. And I'm doing my best to work through it. This blog is my sanity. It's my safe place. And sometimes it's the only place I feel comfortable showing my true, raw emotion.

The further along I get, the more I've realized that this blog isn't just that, but it's also about my journey from girl to woman. I started this in my early twenties, but if I read back I can truly see how much I've grown through all of this.

This is my journey to finding my place in the world and finding happiness.

That being said, don't judge me for the earlier posts.

I was kind of a hot mess.

Why, who makes much of a miracle? 
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles, 
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan, 
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky, 
Or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water, 
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with anyone I love, or sleep in the bed at night with anyone I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with the rest,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds, or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sundown, or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring;
These with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring, yet each distinct and in its place.

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same.

To me the sea is a continual miracle,
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--the ships with the men in them,
What stranger miracles are there? - Miracles, Walt Whitman

7 words of wisdom:

New York Cliche said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just found your blog through 20sb. Wow. I can't imagine what you've been through, but reading your story really gives perspective. Thank you so much for being so brave (you really are) to share your wisdom and vulnerability all with a unique and engaging voice. I'm definitely a new follower!

words for vets said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I see your blog as an open letter to your husband,
your saying all the things you didn't say, or
should have said. Just know, he hears you.

Kathi said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm happy you have your blog to express and authenticate YOU. I'm glad it's your safe place. May it always be. Good job... I lost my husband to cancer two months ago. Loss... grief... is personal and lasting. Life must go on, but finding a way to honor and keep the connection with the one lost is challenging and the process is full of pain... I wish you the best.

Christine said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My goodness, so much for one young woman to go through! Love the Walt Whitman poem.

LuAnn Graham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My husband was a Disabled Vet, Vietnam. He died suddenly on Christmas 2010. I took care of my husband thru 20+ surgeries, overdoses, psch hospitalizations. I spent many days over our marriage sleeping in a chair next to his hospital bed. It is a huge adjustment for me and our two kids after taking care of him. We had to leave our home and move in with family in another state. Thanks for sharing.

Dee (S.C.) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I found your blog quite by accident. I started reading from the begining last week and I must say...you went from a scared young marine wife and blossomed into a strong woman. You have been through so much and even though being a child of a Vietnam vet with PTSD, I must say there were very hard days and I wish there was the help and support for the families that there is now. I commend all that you do and how you share your life and experiences with us (total strangers). I was able to relate to many of your mixed emotions and live through some of that with my own spouse and PTSD issues. It is a long road and reading through your life that you shared, I cried with you, laughed with you and felt grief with you. I don't know where you are with your faith, but, I will always keep you in my prayers because you are such a deserving person, I pray you are blessed with happiness and all the things that you tried to have with Cleve. I wish you luck and now look forward to your blogs, just to see what you are up to next. Thank you for sharing your life, even though I am NOT a wife of a wounded warrior or a widow, I have many of the same issues and mixed thoughts and feelings. It's nice to know it is more normal than not....and that there is a place where things heal and get better.

Anna Bird said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I honestly have no clue how I found your blog but I love it. I love how open you are about everything. And a side note: you seem like a lot of fun. Lol Thank you for blogging!

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