Don't freak out. I realize what I'm about to say is slightly off the wall, especially for some of you, but it is something I feel I need to do.
This is me needing answers and using last resorts to get them...
I think I'm going to speak with a medium soon. That and I may go to a past life regressionist.
I don't speak of my "beliefs" often, if I have ever. The truth is that I don't know what I believe. I used to think I knew, then I began questioning everything after Cleve was injured. After he died it was as if everything I had been taught was foreign to me. Two and Two did not equal four and I refuse to follow anything blindly. If it doesn't make sense to me, it isn't for me. So that was that.
Now, I suppose I'm looking for some truth. I want something that makes this universe make sense to me. Even if it's just a little bit of sense. Because, as of now, I'm leaning toward us all being a freak scientific accident - that our ultimate destiny is to be dust. The thing is, I don't want to believe that. There must be more. Surely there is a rhyme. There has to be a reason for all of this.
So, I'm going to explore other options. And I'm starting here. I've talked to a couple of widows now that have talked to mediums and have gotten amazing results. The closure and the answers they received - I want that. Maybe it's all fake - fine. But I have to try. I have to try to talk to him one more time. Just once. If you tell me there is any chance that is possible, you better be damn sure I'm going to take it.
As far as the past lives, it's just something I've pondered often since he died. There had to be more to us. There has to be more later. There has to be. If this life was it, then I will be glad to be dust. I do not need a "heaven" without him and according to the bible I was taught on, he did many things that wouldn't allow him into the gates. He didn't get a chance to fix those things. And that's bullshit. Our "actions" as imperfect human beings - something that, I'm sorry but, did we ask to be born? - does not justify to me a solid place in "hell". To be told that some are just lucky enough to live long enough to repent for their "sins" while others are taken suddenly with no more chance left, is - frankly - horse shit. I'd rather believe that, if we do have souls, our souls get to grow through time. And that those we lose, we see again. That we get second chances to make up for past mistakes.
So, I'm exploring it because... why not? I have nothing to lose except maybe the respect of my Christian family but that would only solidify my feelings on all of this. So. There.
Two other widows and I are going to be flying to Salem, MA in January to see another widow friend to do the medium thing. We were all randomly feeling we needed to do this last week without even knowing the others were feeling the same. That was really what did it for me. Yea, I also pay attention to "signs" now. Synchronicity, to me, is the universe letting me know I'm on the right path. So I'm just gonna keep on truckin'.
All of my Christian friends out there, if you are appalled by this post, it will be okay. Let's just put it this way. If there is a hell and hell is what I was taught growing up then that is very well where my husband is. If he is there, I can be there, too. Though, I just don't believe it anymore.
I shall report back on all of the shenanigans as they ensue.