I have been stressed out and therefore have been avoiding my blog. I need to stop. I realized, though, that I needed some "me time". Everything has been very go-go-go and much of my time seems to be revolved around others, which is fine, but I began feeling burnt out. So I disappeared. I think I'm ready to come back now. While taking my small break, I think something clicked with me. I had been feeling so torn between my new and old life that I could feel myself breaking down under the pressure. In fact, I did have a bit of a breakdown. More than one, really. But then I realized, oddly enough for the first time, that Cleve truly is not here. All this time I've spent being afraid of hurting his feelings or not spending enough time focusing strictly on him is all just me and my own guilt - it's not reality. And because of thinking this way I have taken much of the attention that Nick deserves away from him in fear that by loving him too much or giving him too much I will be dishonoring my husband and not loving him enough. Because of my distance, Nick and I both have suffered in this relationship. I've made it so that we are doing nothing but running in circles. We've hit a brick wall and unless I take it down we'll be stuck here forever, or worse, I will lose him. And he knows what I've been doing. He feels it - hears it loud and clear. He had a breakdown the other night and said some things that he shouldn't have. I'm still a little upset, but my understanding side sees that that was just his way (poorly executed way - but I'll get over it ) of saying exactly what I just said above. He knows he has come second. He knows I gave my husband more than I've given him. And it hurts him because I am his everything. I am it. I am the love of his life.
How in hell is that fair? It's not. And he's a saint for dealing with it this long.
That being said, I think I've figured out how to compartmentalize my now and my then a little better. I'm just going to love Nick the way I loved Cleve. Do for Nick the things I regret not doing for Cleve. Hope that by honoring the love I have to give, I will be honoring him as well.
I can't go back. I cannot go back. He is not here. I've finally realized this.
I must move forward. I must focus on those that are alive now. I must focus on the options and the life that I have been given now.
I suppose I've entered another stage in my life. Maybe it's not a significant one from the outside perspective, but on the inside it is.