I have been stressed out and therefore have been avoiding my blog. I need to stop. I realized, though, that I needed some "me time". Everything has been very go-go-go and much of my time seems to be revolved around others, which is fine, but I began feeling burnt out. So I disappeared. I think I'm ready to come back now. While taking my small break, I think something clicked with me. I had been feeling so torn between my new and old life that I could feel myself breaking down under the pressure. In fact, I did have a bit of a breakdown. More than one, really. But then I realized, oddly enough for the first time, that Cleve truly is not here. All this time I've spent being afraid of hurting his feelings or not spending enough time focusing strictly on him is all just me and my own guilt - it's not reality. And because of thinking this way I have taken much of the attention that Nick deserves away from him in fear that by loving him too much or giving him too much I will be dishonoring my husband and not loving him enough. Because of my distance, Nick and I both have suffered in this relationship. I've made it so that we are doing nothing but running in circles. We've hit a brick wall and unless I take it down we'll be stuck here forever, or worse, I will lose him. And he knows what I've been doing. He feels it - hears it loud and clear. He had a breakdown the other night and said some things that he shouldn't have. I'm still a little upset, but my understanding side sees that that was just his way (poorly executed way - but I'll get over it ) of saying exactly what I just said above. He knows he has come second. He knows I gave my husband more than I've given him. And it hurts him because I am his everything. I am it. I am the love of his life.
How in hell is that fair? It's not. And he's a saint for dealing with it this long.
That being said, I think I've figured out how to compartmentalize my now and my then a little better. I'm just going to love Nick the way I loved Cleve. Do for Nick the things I regret not doing for Cleve. Hope that by honoring the love I have to give, I will be honoring him as well.
I can't go back. I cannot go back. He is not here. I've finally realized this.
I must move forward. I must focus on those that are alive now. I must focus on the options and the life that I have been given now.
I suppose I've entered another stage in my life. Maybe it's not a significant one from the outside perspective, but on the inside it is.
![**Wife [Widow] of a Wounded Marine**](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--HK8lkPcPko/TsXJsVUgviI/AAAAAAAAAm8/sJqiMTcSwBQ/s1600/Header-WWM.png)
11 words of wisdom:
GINORMOUS step, well done. xo
Being human is an imperfect art. Being a widow is more so. Guilt over the smallest thing--tossing out old junk stored by the dead spouse, for example--is something you'd not think twice about doing when they were alive, and yet can sideline a widow with guilt for days. Only another widow could understand this, and so as usual, when I post here, I'm blinking back tears.
What you learn, and not by any example, but only through the agonizing introspection you've been doing, is how to let go and not beat yourself up over letting go. You will always love Cleve. He died loving you, and you will return that honor to him on the day you also die, no matter who else you learn to love along the way.
Yet, the only way you can hurt him now is by hurting yourself on his behalf. I will not tell you the pain of loss ever goes away, because at ten years and counting, I still feel that hole in my heart. I can tell you those days get farther apart. In those spaces, look to the here and now, and know he'd rather see you smile than cry...same as I'm sure he felt in life.
You're in my thoughts, Karie, and when I get tears in my eyes these days, they're more for you than for myself, so there's your proof that moving on and letting go of the guilt is possible. Love is hard to find. To find it twice in one lifetime is a measure of YOUR worth and not your lack of love for Clive. Honor that now, that man, that relationship, because looking back isn't the way to see where you want to go. (hug)
Good for you!
wow. very strong, corageous post.
i too am a widow, though not of a soldier.
i was 22 and left with a 1 yr old child.
i too struggled with moving on, and had the same inhabitions and fears you are expressing, and have obviously been living.
our situatiuons are of obvious differnece, but as a woman, and one with a lot of life to live, and a lot of love to give, i encourage you to look to the future, and keep the past tucked in your heart. You are not gone. Cleve cannot come back.
you deserve happiness. guilt free.
I am happily married now, to the best man in the world.
5 yrs married, and 8 years without my lost love, and i still shed a tear now and then. it doesnt go away. but it does lighten. and the crying does lessen.
good for you to take this step, and to say it out loud ( or type it rather) but shouting it out and being proud of your steps... you are a strong woman! you shoudl be so proud.
I can see where it would be hard to separate the two. I really like Nick though and I am glad to see you guys are tearing down the wall. It is hard to not focus on the past, I struggle with that too. Love you!
You are such a strong person for dealing with what you've dealt with. And I can imagine just how hard it must be to let yourself love someone else as much you loved him. If my fiance passed away, I don't know what I would do. And I definitely don't know how long it would take me to open myself up again, but I imagine awhile. With that said, I'm so glad you're starting to look at the situation differently, because if this man is worthy of your love then he deserves to be loved back just as deeply. And I'm sure that your then husband would want you to love someone else again--especially if they are worth it and deserving of it. I wish you two the best of luck.
hi karie. i'm certain that writing about everything, as painful as it was, helped you make sense of what your mind and emotions could not fathom. best wishes.
sera
Karie,
I only just read this now ... I hope that things have been good since you posted this. Moving "on" is sometimes the hardest thing in the world, isn't it? Even if intellectually one knows what they "should" do, the rest of the person doesn't always want to follow suit. As usual, I really hope you trust your process and find your way by respecting your feelings and the feelings of the guy you are loving. Pretty sure that's what you are doing, but thought I'd put that wish out here for you.
<3 thinking about you <3
You hit the nail on the head: after any trauma we deal so much with the now and then worlds/lives we feel torn by. And then you're so right -- we have to decide to live in the present and let go of trying to go back. As you said, "I cannot go back." I think this was the toughest thing for me to learn in recovering from my own trauma. I'm a civilian but your words rang equally true for me. Thank you for this courageous place where you write so eloquently and authentically. Anyone touched by trauma can learn from your words. Onward!
I ran across your blog today by happenstance. I was pressing "next blog" searching for something to read. I read your latest entry and didn't understand what was going on, so I went all the way back to your first post. I've read through to 2010, just tonight. I couldn't stop reading. I really lost it and cried for you, your loss and your husband. You two were so young to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Reading this blog has made me realize that my life has been rather simple. The issues I've faced have been nothing in comparison to what you've gone through. I commend you for writing so honestly, so openly and for sharing your life with us strangers who stop by. You are the most amazing person I have ever come across and I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. I pray that you and Nick find true happiness together.
After all you've been through, you still find it in your heart to think of others first. I could really learn something from you. I plan to go back and read the rest of your blog, and catch up to the present.
I have family who served in the military and a 21 year old cousin who currently serves in the Marines. This blog really hit home with me.
Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I'm reading this quite a bit after you originally wrote this, but Katie..this is quite profound. My heart hurts for you in your grief and rejoices for you in the love that you have found with Nick, as you try to learn how to love him the best way you can. I'm praying for you, praying that you're able to truly give Nick all the love you have in your heart, have no regrets with him (or realistically as few as possible). You're an amazing young woman and I want only true happiness for you.
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