Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Heavy Heart

I'm not sure what it is exactly, but my shoulders (and my heart) are feeling the weight of the world right now. I'm sure it's a mixture of things - the time of year (I HATE April and can feel it breathing down my neck), the clouds in the sky, and maybe even it being my girly time - but it doesn't change it from feeling really, really crappy.

A lot of service members have died this week. Really, it's not anything new (disgustingly) but it seems that all of these stories are swirling around more than usual. I'm all for awareness, but sometimes my little heart can't handle all of it.

On the way home from school, safely hidden in my car, I cried to my iPod. I thought of the service members whose lives were cut too short, I thought of their mourning families, I thought of Cleve, I thought of me. For a moment I felt as though Cleve had just died. The emotions came flooding back and those questions I asked myself every second of every day right after he died were drowning my thoughts; Why him? Why me? Why war? Why god...why?

For a moment, I didn't see the point in life. I wondered, "...wouldn't it be easier to just... be with Cleve?" Of course, these thoughts were fleeting. I cherish the life I have. I know its worth. I know how precious my life is and I want to be here as long as I am supposed to be here. Still, would it not be easier to give up? To be done? To stop hurting? To see Cleve's face again? This living thing is hard. Sitting here, I cannot think of one aspect of it that is not hard work. Even on the sunniest of days or the quietest of moments, do we not have stress or hurt from something in our past? Are we not worrying about the future? About our weight? About who likes us and who doesn't? It's just so...hard. I sat there contemplating these things while listening to REM's "Everybody Hurts". Tears fell and my heart became even heavier as I passed the town Cleve is buried in.

The thing is - if I break everything down to the basics - life shouldn't be this difficult. It should be easy breezy. I get frustrated with myself when I feel I am getting caught in emotions that I've determined I've  "figured out" already. We human beings are funny things. We love to blow things out of proportion and make a big production over small stuff. Each of us thinks our own life is the most important thing on the planet and surely what we are experiencing is worse than anyone else. It's irrational, yes, but sometimes there is just no controlling what our bodies will do. And sometimes my body - my brain - wants to be upset at everything and wants to pout. And as much as I try to fight it, and as much as I'd love to give myself a good slap to the face, I just have to let go and let it run it's little [frustrating] cycle.

I suppose "hurt" and "sadness" are aspects of being a human that I should just embrace. Fighting these things has never ended well for me, anyway.

So, I will shamefully pout in my bed and miss Cleve, I will eat boat loads of candy-canes because, for whatever reason, they are making me happy right now, and I will cuddle with my sweet boyfriend ("Cleve" and "boyfriend" in one sentence? That was weird. Oh my god. It happened again. Being a widow is like being schizophrenic, I swear.)

Fingers crossed for sunshine and LOTS of happy news tomorrow.

To those mourning, I'm sorry for your loss and for your pain. I'm so, so sorry.

11 words of wisdom:

MrsBrick said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates


If I had to have a "favorite" thing about being a 25 yo widow, it would be the creeping horror that crosses the faces of strangers when they hear "husband" and "boyfriend" in the same sentence.

Love you, lady.

Karie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates


Yes!!! That happened while getting a pedicure. The lady was so confused. I just let her think what she wanted. It was funny.

Tom said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This was beautiful. Beautiful!

karen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Lots of love from here, Karie. ((((HUGS))))

Charcoal Renderings said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sometimes I refrain from commenting on you posts not because I don't read them or don't care about what you write, but mostly because I feel like I can't say anything that actually conveys how your words make me feel. I can't say to this post, "I'm so sorry, I know how you feel," because, even though I have known sadness, I haven't known YOUR sadness, and I just feel stupid trying to say, "it'll get better!" to someone who has experienced something in her life that I can't even fathom.

And then part of me is like, well, you don't have to say those things, or sound like you know what she's going through, sometimes just having someone listen and acknowledge and look at you like that GET IT is what matters.

So I hope that you can tell, from this poorly constructed comment, that I sit here with a heart that is full and is tugging in your direction, looking at you and thinking, "I get it. And I am so, so sorry."

I hope you have more happy things coming your way as well.

Nika M. said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. And happy thoughts. <3

Eden Connor said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Just came by to drop off a smile through my tears. (hug)

desktop model airplanes said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You can get by, everything happens for a purpose. All you need to do is to stand up and tell the world you can do it. Prayers for you and your family.

Tabitha said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

There's a movie I saw recently called Courageous, that deals with the death of a loved one. One line the pastor says, has stuck with me:

"I have heard many people say, who have lost a loved one, that in some ways it is like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you are never the same. "

The process takes a long time. We seem to expect that we should get over it quickly, or that if we're still struggling down the road we're doing something wrong, or that we're somehow doing a disservice to the new people in our life.

I don't think you ever fully get over it. There are times when something will happen, and I suddenly start mourning my mother's death again. I've learned in times like that, you just need to cry it out, then remind yourself of all the good and pull yourself out.

Saying prayers for you, and sending encouraging thoughts your way. I have faith that you can push through.

Andrea Dickherber said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just stumbled upon your blog and I got goosebumps reading your story. I am so deeply sorry for everything you've had to go through. I can't even imagine.
Two weeks ago, my husband's parents were in a plane crash (it was just the two of them, and my father-in-law was the pilot). His dad didn't survive and his mom had a lot of broken bones, scrapes and bruises. She's in rehab now, working through physical therapy so she can eventually go home, but I can't help imagining how hard it's going to be for her, trying to recover emotionally and physically at the same time.
I sort of feel like I came across your blog for a reason...
so I just wanted to let you know, your strength (even when you don't feel particularly strong) is inspiring.
Thoughts and prayers for you, and I hope tomorrow is better!

Left brain, right brain, pug brain.

RedHotStacey said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just showed this post to my best friend who is in a very similar situation as you, and let me say she was extremely touched. She is a very strong woman and I have never seen her shed a tear until she read this. THANK YOU for sharing with us I know it must be very difficult. Prayers go out to you and your loved ones.

Stacey Thompson

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