Saturday, January 14, 2012

My Rings - To wear or not to wear.... and who cares?

Since my husband passed, people have asked me on separate occasions when I will stop wearing my rings. They have also asked why I still wear them now and why some days I don't.

Well, the answer is pretty straight forward. I do what feels right to me at that very second.

When Cleve first died, I got a heart tattoo on my ring finger. I like to show it off so I wore my wedding rings on my right hand, same finger, religiously. When I started dating Nick, the rings were worn less. I didn't know if there were "rules" on what was acceptable or appropriate and didn't want to make Nick uncomfortable. I also didn't want people thinking I was some sort of hypocrite (I'm always worried about upsetting other people. Not sure why.)

As time went on, my relationship with Nick progressed, I met other widows (this was key), and I began wearing them again.

Why?

Because I realized I can do... whatever the hell makes me happy.

Other widows were wearing their husbands rings on their ring finger along with their new engagement rings. Others wore their rings around their necks. Others wore theirs on the same finger I wear mine. Some didn't have a ring. Some didn't wear the rings they had. Everyone did what felt right to them. I realized, this isn't about Nick or random people or even Cleve. It's about me. And I like wearing my rings on my right ring finger. And some days, it's too hard to wear them, so I stow them away until I decide they make me happy again. That's ok.

When will I stop wearing them all together? Maybe never? I have no idea. As of now, I like them right where they are and can't imagine not ever wearing them again. Reality is that once you're widowed, you'll always be a widow. Cleve will always be a part of me. My widowdom is baggage (Louis Vuitton baggage!!) that I am proudly going to have with me forever. This ring willbe with me, too.

So... thar ya go. Take it or leave it people.

Now I'm off to Birmingham to see Shannon, Matt, Connor, and Evan. Last weekend to travel before school!

Mucho Love.

14 words of wisdom:

Megan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Love your thoughts on this girlie.... so glad you've decided what's best for you no matter what anyone else thinks. Have a fabulous weekend trip :)

Raising 8 said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My children were last week... or so lol..telling me that their grandmother on their dads side is planning to be cremated and her ashes spread with her husband who died too soon of a heart attack. She has since then been remarried; however, he was her first husband, her first love, and father to her children. Her new husband understands that this is how it was planned and that is that. She can do whatever feels right for her. The love that she had for her first husband is something she will always have and anyone including her new husband has to understand that it his part of her. That is my opinion. I would not give my ring up either.

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I dont know what I would do in that position and nobody, NOBODY can tell you what is right for you.
So I think you will figure it out in your own way way. Dont feel like you have to justify your reasons why...those who care will love you and support any decision you make. That includes any relationships you get into....dont rush the grieving process because other people think you should get over it.

Tabitha said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm happy to hear you decided to do what was best for you. No-one has the right to pass judgement, especially not if they haven't been in your situation. And, if Nick really cares about you, I'm positive he'll understand.

DowntownGirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I couldn't agree more. You've got the right idea.

The Tsaritsa a.k.a. Alexandra Naughton said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Being less concerned with what other people think is something I've been working on for a while. You're right to do what feels right for you.

karen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My grandmother's husband (my grandfather) died when my dad was 10 years old, of tuberculosis. It was not uncommon for people who lived or worked on First Nations reserves.

My grandmother, despite having a second husband and at least one other lover that I know of, wore the ring her beloved first husband gave to her. It had a chip of a diamond in it and no monetary value whatsoever, yet that was the ring my sisters and I loved and desired the most after she died. By consensus it went to my eldest sister.

Conversely, her second husband was a jealous man with big issues. He bought her big rings with huge rocks. You should have seen the diamond ring I inherited with three stones of significant value. She hid or rid herself of anything else that reminded him of her first husband, including such practicalities as cutlery (one of the items she hid and used to her death, it was the prettiest cutlery I have ever seen). The pricey cutlery she owned with him cost a bundle, was elegant, but all but one piece was ultimately lost over time. He ran off and left her penniless after my first sister was born.

I myself have a lovely diamond ring, given to me by my beloved husband after the birth of our first child because I asked for him to give it to me if that ever happened, rather than as an engagement ring. It is stored in a safety deposit box. It isn't that the ring means little, I simply do not wear jewelery easily -- (even precious) metal reactions and sensory processing issues.

Moral? We value whatever represents the goodness in our lives. I don't care who checks out my finger. My heart has a bow around it, and it guides me in how I live my life. It works for me.

Karie, I started reading your blog and back story because of writing exactly like this post. I can't wait to see where you go with your schooling!

karen

Shannon Young said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It sounds like you are making the right decision to take care of yourself every day. I am new to this blog, and I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you are in the process of learning with such honesty and wisdom.

Rock Chef said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is the way to do things - don't do or not do things because of what others will think. Do what is right for you and ...

Alana said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I totally agree. Do what feels right to YOU!

Heather said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Such a great article which Other widows were wearing their husbands rings on their ring finger along with their new engagement rings. In which they are and can't imagine not ever wearing them again. Thanks for sharing this article.

Stew said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It's amazing how you can share the thoughts and feelings you had with your previous love. What is even more noteworthy is that your affection has carved a more important digital preservation in your heart and mind that no matter what happens, you know that no symbol or image can take that away from you. Cheers.

daniellaprice30 said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am so impressed with your insights about wearing our wedding ring despite being a widow. I do agree that it only goes to know that your engagement rings and what it entails would forever be in your heart and that it should always manifest.

Elizabeth Wilson said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I agree, you made the right decision to follow your heart and what makes you happy. You shouldn't care about what other people think because at the end of the day, it's only you who matters. I did the same thing. Even when my ring got broken, I took it to jewellery repairs Melbourne to have it fixed.

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