The Iraq War is Over

The Iraq war is over and every time someone talks about it, I cry. I don't cry. Not often, anyway, so I'm not sure what has gotten into me. I'm glad it's over, trust me, but it still makes me so emotional.

The war that killed my husband is done with.

The war that changed my life is over.

What now?

If I'm being honest, I'm afraid of him being forgotten. I'm afraid of all of us being forgotten. Every person whether American or Iraqi.

People forget.

It's inevitable.

Now more than ever, I feel I can somewhat understand how the people whose lives were affected in previous wars must have felt when those wars ended. Each day that goes by takes us further and further away from the war and, in turn, takes the war further and further from peoples minds. Because of this, our future scares me. The effects of war never go away. I'm convinced that only death will truly, fully heal the pain. We just learn to live with what we were given over time. People don't seem to grasp that. And really, how could they? Only someone who has experienced loss can understand it. So over time the help and the support from others fades until it's nearly diminished.

Thing is, people have been doing this since the beginning of time. This is not the first war to come and go. I should find comfort in that, right? Those people survived it... Well, I don't. In fact, the past is what scares me. I've already seen what happens. Homeless Vets. Broken homes. Widows and their children alone. In the meantime people turning their heads to not be bothered by it all because it's too unpleasant to think about. And maybe, because we have come a long way, it will be different this time. Only time will tell. Still, I don't like that unknown. To think that in the future, when I say I'm the widow of a Marine who was wounded in Iraq then died, that person wouldn't care because it happened so long ago, hurts already. It's annoying that I even care. But... it feels good to know people care about you and your life. It cushions the blow a little, let's be honest. And reality is, one day people will care much less than they do now. It's part of life. I'm just not ready for that part. Not at all.

So, I'm not sure how to word how I feel right now other than very, very emotional. And honestly, maybe it's not just the end of the war, but a cluster of things put together that just seem to be happening at once.

In the end, I just miss him. Everything about him.

A lot. 

The Holidays make me miss him even more. Yesterday, the morning after my Christmas party in which all my friends attended and we all had a blast, I woke up and bawled - sobbed - for at least an hour. I couldn't stop. I sat with my dog, the one Cleve gave me for our first Christmas as a married couple, and cried to her. I know she's just an animal, but I feel like she knows. She misses Cleve, too and she's there for me when I miss him so much I can hardly bare it. A dog. Ha.

I hope this wave of grief passes soon. It's beginning to exhaust me and I have a lot of things coming up. I need to be able to focus. 

All I can say is thank god for my widows and all my friends. I couldn't do this without them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, they keep me sane. I'm convinced I will always have waives of sadness over the loss of my husband, but I'm also convinced that over time the way I deal with it will evolve and not leave me as cripple. Especially with the help of them.

As far as the war being over, I hope that people will always remember the sacrifices made by the service members and their families. I hope people remember that even though the troops are coming home from Iraq, there are still troops in Afghanistan and all over the world fighting, getting wounded, and dying. I hope that people remember that as these guys come home, the war will just be beginning for many families as PTSD and TBI start to show their ugly faces, as the ones who came back severely physically wounded relearn to use their bodies as they've been left, and their families stand by their side to take care of them. I hope people never forget that for every person who was buried, they left family members behind to mourn that loss for the rest of their lives, and even when they seem fine, their hearts will be broken until the day they die themselves. I truly hope that I am wrong and people do not forget.

Continue supporting the troops and their families.

Continue praying for them.