It's been over a year and a half now. It was a year and a half to the day on the twentieth. I was flying to New York. I'm glad I was. Though it was strong on my mind, I had other things on my mind as well which always makes these days easier. Still, it's hard to think about. A year and a half is a long time. I still wonder sometimes how the Earth can turn without him. Then I remember, we all die. And the Earth continues spinning. That's life.
This last couple of weeks have been a handful. Ups and downs, new and old friends, making new memories and still remembering the old with Cleve. I can't lie and say that I'm not exhausted, because I am. I'm glad I got to sit in my bed for a couple of days and just chill. I literally did nothing and it was awesome.
I just keep getting blown away at the thought of everything that has happened since he left. So much has changed. Lord knows I have. My entire life has.
It still blows me away at how much I miss him. People always ask if it's really hard to date someone and still miss your husband. Then other people seem to think that because I'm dating, I don't miss him anymore.
I will always miss him, and yes, it is sometimes hard to date someone when you miss someone else so much.
Thing is, they are two different people. I can't even compare the two and in my mind they are just two completely separate things in my life. It's hard to explain, but if you take all the jealousy and rules out, it's just simply love. I love two people. I believe most people have the capacity to do that, they just don't because it's emotionally draining and against the rules.
I've been having more and more dreams with Cleve in them. I've also been waking up a lot more in the night to see if he is in the room. This whole cycle is insane. Very up and down. I never know how my brain is going to process things.
I love you always. The world is not a better place without you. I'm doing everything I can to live the life I'm so lucky to have. I'm doing my best to use what happened to you to help others. I'm doing my best. I hope it's enough.